Conversation Skills for Creating Optimum Outcomes
Conversations are the foundation of all relationships. Whether it is a conversation to sort through a conflict or to do some planning and delegation, active listening is the fastest and most respectful way to move towards collaboration and better outcomes.
Learn and practise the following steps to become more masterful as a communicator and leader.
The person with the best listening skills and highest quality questions controls the game!
1. Prepare your intention for the conversation.
If you consciously choose to come from a place of “open-heart” with the intention to create fair exchange and a win-win before you set up any conversation, you set up the most empowering state for yourself. All relationships rely on exchanges of value taking place. When you operate from the mindset of providing equal service to others as you create for yourself, you will be far more likely to create fair exchange and sustain meaningful relationships in all areas of your life.
For people to communicate honestly, the most important thing they require is to feel safe. If your intention is to get all of what you want without any consideration for what the other person wants, they will feel the imbalance and put up their guard.
2. Understand the Other Person’s Hierarchy of Individual Life Priorities (HILP).
You and everyone on the planet has a unique hierarchy of what is important to them. When you talk to someone through their highest priorities, they open up to you. Challenge their highest priorities and they will close down, put up blocks and not even comprehend what you are saying. Talk just about their lowest priorities and they will often not even hear what you have said.
If you want to have a dialogue where people are able to hear, understand and respond in a meaningful way, rather than duelling monologues where people just talk at each other it is very important to understand your own HILP as well as that of the other person.
Understanding HILPs at a deep level is the master key to engaging people in high quality, meaningful conversations, and productive negotiations.
Whilst keeping their job or relationship may be of a very high priority, if you threaten someone with their highest priority being taken away because it is so important to them, they will go into a fear or anger state and not be able to think straight nor communicate openly.
3. Set Up Time for the Conversation – Ask Permission and Let Them Know the Topic and Your Intention.
It is wise to check in with someone about what time would be a “good time” to have a conversation about a particular topic. If someone is engrossed in one of their highest priority tasks and you drag them away from it, you will create a disconnect before you even start the conversation.
“Do you have some time now to have a chat about …. (topic) as I would really appreciate …(your intention for creating fair exchange), or shall we book some time together later in the day/week?”
Obviously how you approach a person to have a conversation and how much time you allocate varies according to how important and complex an issue is.
Asking someone’s permission to have the conversation and letting them know the topic and intention helps them feel more at ease and “safer”.
If it is a private conversation, ensure you meet in a private setting.
4. Start the conversation with a recap on the topic and your intention.
Remind yourself and the other person of the topic and the intention to create fair exchange and a win/win.
5. Pay attention and Let Them Know You Are.
To help the person you are communicating with feel comfortable and “safe” during a conversation set a comfortable tone and pace that gives the other person an opportunity to think and speak. Allow “processing time” at the end of each piece of information. Allow the other person time to share and as they are speaking, ensure you are present and respectful as the listener. Nod or say “ok” to let them know you are paying attention.
Don’t cut the other person off and don’t finish their sentences. Keep yourself facing the person and check your frame of mind is relaxed and open when engaging in active listening.
6. Withhold Judgment – Stay in Curiosity.
Active listening requires an open mind. As a listener be open to hearing the other person’s ideas, perspectives, and possibilities when practising active listening. Even if you have strong views, suspend your judgment, hold any criticisms. Avoid arguing or selling your point of view until you are sure you understand what the other person has shared.
Get really curious about what they really mean …
7. Reflect – Check You Have the Same Meanings.
When you’re listening, don’t assume that you understand the other person fully — or that they know you’ve heard them. Mirror your information and emotions by periodically paraphrasing key points. For the important points, ensure you use the exact same words as the other person used and check that you have the same meaning on those words as they do.
After you have paraphrased what they said, share what you perceive they meant by it and ask them if you have understood what they shared clearly. Ask questions that clarify until you both have certainty that you have a common understanding of what was shared.
Asking questions is the only way you can guarantee a two-way conversation is occurring!
Don’t be shy to ask questions about any issue that’s ambiguous or unclear. As the listener, if you have doubt or confusion about what the person has said, say something like, “I am not sure I have quite got that yet, please tell me more about…”, “Let me check if I’m clear. Do you mean …?” or “ I am not sure I got all of what you said. Please repeat that last bit you said and give me a couple of examples.”
Open-ended, clarifying, and probing questions are important active listening tools that encourage the other person to do the work of self-reflection and problem solving, rather than justifying or defending a position, or trying to guess the “right answer.”
Examples include: “What specifically does that mean …”, “What do you think about …?” or “Please share why that is important to you?” and “Will you further explain/describe …?”
In active listening, the focus is on asking rather than telling. It invites thoughtful responses and a spirit of collaboration and movement towards a sustainable outcome.
Other useful questions include: “What are some of the specific things you’ve tried?” or “Have you asked the team what their main concerns are?” or “Does Emma agree that there are problems in this area?” and “How certain are you that you have the full picture of what’s going on?”
8. Summarize Each Topic as the Conversation Proceeds.
Summarizing key topics/points as the conversation proceeds further clarifies and solidifies your grasp of the other person’s perception. It also provides another opportunity to reflect and identify the steps to move forward from the other person’s perspective.
After you have summarized what your understanding is, ask the other person to do the same.
Start with something like: “Let me summarize what I think we have covered and where I perceive we are at and then I would appreciate you doing the same…”
After you have shared, ask the other person: “Did I get that right?”
9. Share Your Perspective
Active listening is first about understanding the other person’s perspective and then about having yours understood. Once you gain a clearer understanding of the other person’s perception and they feel heard and understood, you can begin to introduce your ideas, feelings, and suggestions as they will be more open to listening and understanding you. You will have more opportunity to share a similar experience you had or share an idea that might be of value to the person.
Once both people’s perspectives have been discussed and understood, the conversation can shift into problem-solving. Now we are clear about the problem, what strategies could we put in place to create a win-win? What hasn’t been tried yet? What else do we need to know? What is best practice we have seen somewhere else?
Remember, your intention to create fair exchange according to both people’s Hierarchy of Individual Life Priorities (HILP) and collaborate to achieve an outcome that provides value to to you both – a win/win.
Optimum Communication is an art form and like all masterpieces, it requires practice, practice, practice!
